I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
