Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
