Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
