If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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