I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
