Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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