if i can run in heels then i can drive
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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