I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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