dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
