Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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