dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
