She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
