She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
