and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
