just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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