Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
