There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
