i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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