I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You pole danced in your parka.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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