I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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