Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
