she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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