I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
