So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
