The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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