WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
