I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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