considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
