you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize