At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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