I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
