I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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