My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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