I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
