gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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