I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
