Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
