I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
