Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We talked him into tasing himself.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
