I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
