DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
