I cannot find my penis.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize