I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
only you would photoshop your dick
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
