dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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