i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
