I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
