I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
