Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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