Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
