Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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