hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
