His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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