i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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