if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
