i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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