whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
