I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
